Sunday, April 10, 2011

RAMBLINGS: Grown up much?

From talks to boys, celebrities and telly to jobs, salaries and the possibility of having your very own family... How much we all have grown. But of course, this must have been dead obvious to me, since the number of candles on my cake increases every year. But but aye, Charlene loves to live in her world of rainbows, unicorns and cotton candy.

I try very hard not to think about the future. As much as I like to hurl expletives at education, the way I see my future... I'll be studying till both legs are in the coffin. But obviously that's not going to happen unless I find a sugar daddy or God decided to rain money on me. Probability of that happening? It's like towards the end of the Normal distribution.

Okay, nevermind if that didn't make any sense. I just had to say something Math-y. Heh. *in judging tones 'GEEK!'*

But with friends graduating left and right, it's hard to ignore the fact that I am, indeed, entering the workforce soon. I'm blessed in the sense that my family isn't fraught with financial problems. We aren't rich, but we aren't poor either. There isn't any urgency for me to find a job immediately after graduation. I can float for... Well, not forever, definitely (I want to provide for my parents and siblings. Thank you very much.). But for a pretty long time. Thank God that my parents love me to bits (If only you knew what they have dealt with when it comes to me... *multiple eye rolls at myself*) and they will provide for me for as long as they can. But it's because of this that I have turned... Sedentary. Oh gawd. I shudder at that word.

I came across the diary which I kept when I was in secondary school the other day. And gosh, Was I HEAVILY, and I do mean HEAVILY, influenced by chicklits (To Sam: Haha!)! I dreamed of earning a salary of 40k pounds (Yeah, pounds. I thought of money in pounds then. Get the 'HEAVILY' bit now?), of jetting all over the world and being stressed out, not by work issues, but by love issues. Like if I would ever fall in love with an American guy, who has dark eyes, a deep frown etched across his forehead and a five o'clock shadow (Gawd! If you haven't read Sophie Kinsella's 'Can You Keep A Secret?', please go get the book now! I still laugh at the 'f***ing ovaries' bit. Thank you Sam for introducing this book to me! And if you didn't get the 'HEAVILY' bit a sentence ago, I'm sure you get the picture now.) yada yada.

I probably lost my train of thoughts in that whole giddy chunk of words but the main thing is that I was so much MORE ambitious. And probably tons less frivolous (I used to friggin' read the dictionary.).

I blame 'love', okay? OKAY? Haha. I do really blame 'love' but I'm not saying it with hatred (Oh cool! Oxymoron there!). It was a lesson that I had to learn but I mean, so what? I may have 'lost' myself but I don't have to CONTINUE 'losing' myself. And university may have lost all its glamour for me (Cheating is so rampant and flagrant. I'm disgusted.) and the prospect of getting a first-class honours may have been very mercilessly flung out of the window because of a compulsory module which has absolutely no relation to Statistics (My major.)... But so what? I don't have to resign myself to anything.

Life's all about 'fighting', isn't it?

But at the same time, I want to 'fight' for something that I want. And not just 'fight' for the sake of 'fighting'. I don't believe that I'm not going to get my chicklit story (Sam, you shouldn't believe it either.). I WILL get what I want in life. I WILL pull that darned rabbit out of the hat. I WILL marry Jack Harper.

Haha. Okay, maybe not the last line. It's REALLY hard to find a Jack Harper. Trust me (LOL.). But yeah, good riddance to Sedentary Charlene! Hello... Umm... Ambitious Charlene?

Okay, it's really not in my nature to be ambitious because I doubt my every move. So umm hello New Charlene? Haha. This is so kiddish. It's so teenager-ish. I'm never ever going to act like my age (Just like this lawyer friend of mine, who is so un-lawyer like. She's going to attend her convocation in pink if she gets first-class honours. Legally Blonde much? But yeah, the lawyer world, or whatever it is called, need more people like her. I have the impression that lawyers are really stressed out, serious people who are tired 24/7. John Grisham's books.) *rolls eyes*.

I have been studying a little more than what I was doing at the start of the semester (Which was 0 studying actually.). Midterms came back with way better results than I could ever imagine (You should have seen me during the Recess week. I was all ready to burn my notes, throw the ashes in boiling water and gulp the whole thing down in a second.). Thank you God for that. I haven't been a good Christian... No, I haven't even been a Christian since the year started (Because the Church seems a little umm... Yeah. I shall just leave the sentence unfinished.) but yes, I'm going to make a huge effort to be as good a child as I can be.

And yes, once this week blows over (STUPID COMPULSORY COURSE WHICH HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH STATISTICS.), I shall morph into a mugger and marry all my books.

And divorce them, come May 19th *jumps around*.

This entry probably left you with a big question mark (Yeah, a really big one is developing in my head now. My ramblings are really... Ramblings.) but oh man! It does feel good to blog personal stuff again. *grins*

It's in my blood, I guess. I have been blogging since I was 9 (Yes, I'm bragging. My first website was on Expage and Dad proudly brandished it to his friends, even though it just filled with lame, corny jokes *beams*. I know. Dad's cool. PEACE OUT, YO!).

Anyway, a haul post is coming right up! See you in like... 10 minutes! Haha! :D

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