Wednesday, June 22, 2011

RAMBLINGS: Books and the L word.

I always get a little pensive after reading books. I just finished 'Girl in Translation' by Jean Kwok. It was only when I was 3/4 into the book when I realized that I was reading fiction. Sigh. Dumb me. I should have known. All the signs were there! *smacks head* The book lost its entire appeal to me right then. It felt so silly to be wowed earlier on.

But anyway, it made me recall an incident when I was 15. My tutor had asked me if I would marry someone who was poor. I had replied yes, without hesitation. Back then, I was just a silly kid who read deep into mangas and actually believed that perfect guys existed. The ones who seem to know EVERYTHING about you, who watch over you, who act like they own every molecular cell of yours... I laugh at my naivety now but at the same time, it aches to know that they aren't real.

Being friends with people who are older than you are is really something quite different. With friends your age, you grow up together, you experience new things together. But with friends who have a few years ahead of you, you get a sneak peak into a life that you think will only happen a gazillion years later. Yet, the truth is, it's only just round the corner.

I met up with Charmian yesterday and we updated each other on the essential bits of our lives; school, work, daily happenings and of course, conversations always head in the direction of the L word. She was like "You're 22 now. It's very old! You have no one... What are you doing?!?"... Something to that effect (The ah lian that she is... HAHA! XD).

After my bittersweet encounter with it (I really think that 'torturous' is a more congruous word but there were sweet moments which I wish lasted forever. And in spite of how much I wish I could just blot out this blemish in my life, good things came out and are still coming out of it.), I've become more than wary. Actually, I think I'm very paranoid, drawing cold, hard lines even when there isn't a need to be. But I just want to make sure that there isn't the slightest blurring of anything!

But in the midst of the conversation with Charmian, I felt myself waver in my sheer determination to ward off everything that has to do with the L word. In that moment, I got scared, sad, worried. Yes, I eschew the L word as much as possible but that's also because I believe that when the right one comes along, no doubts will hound me, that I will jump right into the vortex of diabetes-inducing sweetness and incomprehensible silliness. But in that moment, I was afraid that what I believe in was, again, a manifestation of my naivety.

Oh gawd. Awareness is scary. The more aware you are, the more you just want to go hide out in a cave. Life was great when boys were made solely for bantering and all I wanted to do was dance to Britney's songs, make clothes for Barbie and torture Ken and play The Sims and Neopets all day.

And oh yes. I guess I should say something about the book. Hmm... Hope, inspiration, duty to others overrides everything else, especially the L word. Ha. I'm awful at summaries. It's an okay book but I wouldn't recommend it because it's just fiction. A waste of time, actually.

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