Thursday, July 21, 2011

RAMBLINGS: Have you ever.

Have you ever tried to remember a moment really hard and then, a few days later, or even months, or a year, try and recall that same moment and be aware of how you felt at that moment? Haha. It's quite a mouthful and rather befuddling. I will illustrate.

My secondary school has a circular block and and I had to walk through it to get to my classroom. One morning, when the weather was extremely frigid and the skies were threatening to pour (Yes, SG can actually get quite cold and I love to snuggle under the blanket with a good chicklit.), I thought to 14-year old self 'I'm going to remember this moment and someday, when I recall it, I won't be able to walk through this circular block anymore. But I will feel everything that I'm feeling right now.'. Well, certainly, those aren't the exact words. But yes, right now, I can remember exactly how I was feeling on that cold and dark morning.

It was cold and I was chattering a little, having had forgotten my sweater. And I felt really cold and alone and dark. But I had on my Class Committee member badge and it caught the light that came from the dimly-lit lamps lining the inner perimeter of the circular block. And in that abyss, I was extremely proud of that badge. In primary school, though I wanted very much to be a Class Monitress, I wasn't selected. Form teachers told me I couldn't be Model Pupil either because I talked too much during Chinese classes.

(I was made a Model Pupil in Primary 5, though it was done really reluctantly because I was a mischievous kid. I liked to shake my head in exasperation when my form teacher, Mr. Lee, spoke and I retorted a lot. But I did my homework and went for extra classes. :D Do your homework, kids!)

I used to have to pass by a long stretch of emptiness on the way home from school. After collecting my O Levels results, I was feeling really happy and was on that route. I tried to 'imprint' that moment and told myself to recall it a few years later, to see if that-moment me would be happy with the future-me.

I passed by that route again after 3 years, when I finally graduated from junior college (I took a year longer.) and I did remember that moment. Now, it's 3 years after that 3 years (Haha!). I know exactly how I felt.

I have never been so disappointed with myself before.

One last incident was when he and I took a walk round the station. It was just before I got a hug. I remembered telling myself to savour that moment with him because someday, it would all be gone, that we wouldn't even be friends. Then, I got my hug. We saw a dog after that.

And we passed by a playground.

This is one incident which I wish I hadn't 'imprinted'. But I guess, someday, it's going to be precious. Because I'm pretty sure that I won't receive that sort of affection he showered me with again.

You should try it, someday. If it doesn't sound too psychotic. Or maybe you do things like that too? Haha. I thought about it in the shower today and typed a reminder to blog about it on my phone.

And I leave you with a quote from 'Girl, Interrupted' by Susanna Kaysen.

Scar tissue has no character. It's not like skin. It doesn't show age or illness or pallor or tan. It has no pores, no hair, no wrinkles. It shields and disguises what's beneath. That's why we grow it; we have something to hide.

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