Sunday, August 21, 2011

RAMBLINGS: When the trees shed their leaves.

This is my prettiest find on Etsy to date. It's called 'The Catherine Dress' and I really wish I could own it but it costs a whopping US$120. I probably have to eat grass for an entire month. And I haven't got any reasons to don this on.

Today, my grandaunt gave me my birthday money. After that, she sat down and talked to me and it had never happened before. She told me to look for a good husband, but not before getting a good job. I was trying desperately not to morph into a human geyser but I could tell that she was really concerned about me. She said "I won't be able to see your children." and gawd, I swear I give birth on the spot if I could. But I'm no amoeba, the loves of my life are usually 6 feet under and I'm too vain to get pregnant (Stretch marks, saggy breasts, swollen ankles, scars... *convulses*).

Death made its presence known with the demise of my great grandmother. I didn't cry at her funeral. I was a kid and it all felt surreal as I saw the coffin and knew that I wasn't going to see her or greet her any more. But the sister burst into tears on the way home and she was saying stuff like "We will never see her again, do you know? She will never be part of our lives again!". Something to that effect... But that was when it struck me, she was really gone.

When I was a kid, I prayed some really silly prayers. I prayed for my entire family to be joined at the hands and that our lives were connected, so that when one died, everyone died as well and there would be no grieving. I prayed every single night because I knew prayer was that strong but I stopped eventually when I realized that even though God said 'Ask and it will be given to you.', I was praying insanity.

My grandaunt and grandma aren't Christians and according to the Bible, those who don't believe won't go to Heaven. I changed my prayer. I prayed that I could exchange my spot in Heaven for theirs in hell and I cried a lot that night because I was so incredibly scared. Because I didn't want them to burn in hell, because I was scared that my prayer wouldn't be valid like the earlier one, because I was scared that I wouldn't have a spot in Heaven and then, what exchange could I talk about? Because the 7/8-year old me sure as hell didn't want to burn in hell for all eternity either. I made that prayer each night and I got braver a little each time and cried less and it went on for a while until I lost God (This is another story for another day. But I am no atheist and I do not subscribe to other religions.).

Death knocks on our door every minute until he finds a crevice and then, he tries to slip in. Sometimes we find that crevice in time and we mend it, sometimes we are a second late and sometimes our door's a little too worn and we let him in. If you ask me about me experiencing pain and death, I'm okay. I coughed to death throughout my primary school years and when I hurt myself, I do not hesitate to drown my wounds in this yellow Chinese medicine which sends you straight to hell. But okay, these are as far as I have gone. It may be nothing but I think I should be okay if anything that goes further occurs (BUT UMMM TOUCH WOOD, OF COURSE!).

But if you ask me about my loved ones... I cry each time I think about how old my grandaunt and grandma are getting. I cry because I don't know what to do for them. I wish I could bring them on trips, take them out for dinners and such, but laziness and self-centeredness haven't made such lofty-but-possible dreams a reality. But I don't want to be thinking of such stuff because that just acknowledges the fact that they are going away. Soon. And yet I can't ignore it as their hairs turn snow white, they walk a little slower, they forget if they have taken their medication, they ask the same questions again and again... Sometimes I get a little irritated and it shows in my voice and then, I feel incredibly bad after that.

My grandma asked me a couple of times to go to the market with her but I refused. She likes to dictate my every movement and I hate it a lot. And going out with her just means more dictations and more hating... The sister went to the market with her once and came home in tears. And she's more patient and tolerant than I am.

I bought some reeds and strips diffuser for my grandma recently so her room smells like rose now. I used to buy buns for my grandaunt but that was a really long time ago. I will start doing stuff like that again. I don't want to be regretting anything when they go away.

There was a period when I really did believe that the fewer people I cared for, the less grieving I had to do and I wasn't a nice person. And I'm still learning to be nice. Because what happens from now till the end counts for so much more than after the end.

And once again, my thoughts have gone all serpentine on me. I managed to complete 2 modules tonight, amidst procrastination and the frequent trips to Twitter, Facebook and Tumblr.

The brother and I tried the cheesy chicken stuff from KFC tonight (At friggin' 11 o'clock. I'm so running on Friday.) and GAWD! Do NOT order it unless you're in the mood to throw your money away and if that's the case, why don't you send the money my way? I'll help you invest in good makeup. Those chicken pieces that we had had barely a hint of cheese on them!!! CHEATED. I FEEL SO CHEATED. MacDonald's fries have gone to the dogs and now taste completely like cardboard and now, KFC has non-existent cheese. SPLENDID. JUST SPLENDID. I will stick to my Subway. It's healthier anyway.


1 comment

  1. Catholics don't subscribe to that only believers can go to Heaven. So I think you and your loved ones will still meet at that special place where angels sing Alleluia, one day. Hope that this will make you feel better! :)


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