Wednesday, April 27, 2016

RAMBLINGS: Death is just sleep.

'Goodbyes are not forever, goodbyes are not the end.
It simply means that we will miss you
until we see you again.'

Small Grandaunt decided to sleep for a very long time on April 23rd at 2.30am.

On Friday night, C and I were supposed to catch a movie when Kai Ma texted to say that Small Grandaunt wasn't really responding anymore. I was going to go later in the night but C said to go now and I texted Josh immediately. When I reached, Small Grandaunt had stopped fidgeting and she couldn't close her eyes. She was heaving. Josh arrived a while later with my work laptop. He, Nigel and I spent the next hour or so reading Bible verses that Charmaine prepared. And when we read, Small Grandaunt actually made some noises of acknowledgement.

Kai Ma and Nigel were going to stay over, and I was debating if I should but I was really tired. In the end, it was decided that Josh and I would go home to get some rest, before returning early in the morning. I said to wait for Small Grandaunt's next blood pressure reading which was at midnight. When it came, the nurse kept going in and out to consult another nurse. Kai Ma thought something was very wrong and we called our aunties and uncles down.

In the meantime, I called Cheryl and told her to speak to Small Grandaunt. I waited desperately for Dad's and Mum's flight to hit Amsterdam and I said Mum should call now. Mum finally did, after what felt like an eternity (No fault of hers.). When both of them spoke, Small Grandaunt made the same noises she made earlier. Our aunties and uncles all came down, save for one who was a tad late. Granduncle spoke to her one last time on the phone. He sang to her 'You are My Sunshine' and when the call ended, Small Grandaunt stopped heaving and breathed gently. And her heartbeat went softer and softer until it was no more.

When Small Grandaunt was warded into the hospital, I didn't think much of it because she had been in and out several times. The following two weeks were my most hectic ever at work (Though colleagues were doing a lot for me.) and my body is still taking the brunt of it. But Mum was away and I knew she would want to be there for Small Grandaunt, so I tried to go down whenever I could, especially in the second week. I held her hand, read Bible verses to her, played Christian songs... But Small Grandaunt was very, very tired. I kissed her forehead whenever I said goodbye, save for the last night because I didn't say so. Last Wednesday, before I left, she gave my hand a squeeze and I know now that it was with a lot of difficulty.

Throughout the two weeks, never once did it occur to me that that was the last time I would ever see her or spend time with her. I just wanted to do what I thought Mum would have done. I didn't think. Death always seemed so far away, you know. When I think about the two weeks, I think of how scared I was. And then, I think about how even more scared Small Grandaunt must have been, especially when she had to sleep alone at night and she had always been fearful of hospitals. There are a million 'I wish I had...'s running through my head.

When I think of how I was still holding onto Small Grandaunt's hand last week, my chest aches and it feels heavy and ripped. But Small Grandaunt had told Kai Ma she wanted to go home, home being Heaven. And we are all comforted by that.

Small Grandaunt, we love you, we keep you in our hearts and we will see you again. <'3


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